


reality is only a rorschach ink-blot

by Rosse



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Drabble Collection, Gen, a series of connected oneshots, oneshots, really bad psychologists, this is just silly and not at all realistic i'm pretty sure, why would you go to their practice i mean really???
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-29
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 05:08:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1538840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosse/pseuds/Rosse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>au, oneshot/drabble series, crack.</p>
<p>in which orochimaru and jiraiya are psychologists and nothing goes well.</p>
<p>"But my dear man, reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know." ~Alan Watts</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. an indulgence of the ego

The sun shines in a cloudless sky, the trees and flowers bloom perfectly and the birds sing. Couples cuddle on park benches and sigh into an idyllic breeze. However, in the city suburbs, the local coffee shop smells of burning and the employees screech to sort out the broken panini toaster. The youngest - two weeks hired, ordered to continue manning the till while her supervisor bemoans the loss of three food orders - stares at the utter indifference of the patrons and wonders how often something like this has to happen that people don’t even blink while the manager (quite literally) pulls out his hair.

At a table by the window, another scuffle breaks out - more verbal, less dramatic, and between a group of customers instead of possessed equipment and staff.

“Why did you send him to me? His dysfunction is completely guilt motivated; it has nothing to do with me.” Orochimaru pushes his hair behind his ear and sips his mocha, somehow managing to effectively glare daggers at Jiraiya while milk foam tickles his lips and gives him the briefest of moustaches (and Jiraiya knows that’s the closest the man’s ever got to facial hair). Jiraiya, with all the weariness of someone who receives that look on an hourly basis, merely nibbles his panini and shrugs, glancing over at the counter and counting his blessings. He had nothing to do with the destroyed machine, he’d like that to be clear, he just happened to get the last panini before it all went tits up (so to speak). He’s just very glad to have a nice warm sandwich in his belly.

“He’s a fan. It would be a conflict of interest.” Folding his arms, Jiraiya sniffs haughtily. It would be a blatant violation of ethics to treat a fan, after all. Besides, it’s not like Orochimaru _couldn’t_ do it (though he wouldn’t admit that to the man’s face), he’s just an incredibly stubborn idiot who always refuses to see outside his few interests in the field. Really, Jiraiya’s doing him a favour. Orochimaru seemed to have forgotten all the curiosity that (irritated the hell out of Jiraiya) drove him through University - he only paid attention to a few select projects, and wasn’t that just unlike his bastard self?

Orochimaru leans back, hands still wrapped around the white mug, glare replaced by a smirk. Ugh, it’s smirk #23 - 'I’ve got you where I want you, my pretty’ -, this can only go one way. “Ah. And we come to the crux of the matter--”

“Not _this_ again.” Eye roll. Like he hasn’t heard this one a thousand times.

“--an overwhelming desire for fame that conflicts with your job, likely to compensate for... something.”

Jiraiya snorts. “And your guest appearances on the Ino-Shika-Cho Show were, what, an altruistic desire to educate the masses?” Hypocrite. Jiraiya had to listen to his bragging for weeks afterwards. The smirk turns into briefly pursed lips and his (sort-of-not-really-he’d-sooner-die-than-say-it) friend’s eyes harden at the accusation

“... Yes.”

“Lies. Blatant Lies.” Blonde pigtails catch Jiraiya’s attention and he grins, yelling over at the woman at the end of the queue. “Oi, Tsunade, tell him it’d be a conflict of interest to treat a fan.” Said (gorgeous-beautiful-angelic-muse-of-his-books) woman rakes her stunning brown eyes over their table and clicks her tongue - he can see the movement of her jaw and lips from here, turning her attention back to the menu instead.

“Leave me out of whatever this is,” she calls over her shoulder, pulling notes out of her purse. “...But you know he’d never get anywhere with a fan, Orochi.”

“...Very well. I suppose I could always work on curing the obvious sexual issues any reader of your books would have, Jiraiya dearest.” Smirk #13 - ‘Checkmate’.

“Oh like you can talk. I’ve seen your bookshelf.”


	2. if you lie, they'll print the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How sessions usually go.

“So, Hatake-san, care to explain your fascination with reading smut in inappropriate locations?”

“Hm? No, not really.” He turns a page. Orochimaru comes very close to grinding his teeth.

“... Then what would you like to talk about? I assume you’re interested in more than the world’s most expensive library session.”

“Hm? No, not really. My employer’s paying for this anyway.”

His pen scratches against the new notebook page, jotting down curses and entirely unprofessional observations (‘subject models hair after literary idol. failed miserably.’ being one of the more polite notes) for later - very heavy - editing.

Hatake flips another page and hums to himself.

In his head, Orochimaru counts his wages for the month and makes more notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: I try to lie as much as I can when I'm interviewed. It's reverse psychology. I figure if you lie, they'll print the truth. ~ River Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

> chapter title: "Usually, autobiography is such an indulgence of the ego." ~ Tom Robbins
> 
> It wouldn't leave me alone, but I didn't want to commit to a proper fic. So have a series of related oneshots/drabbles for this AU that get updated as and when I fancy. This is just ridiculous crack that's not to be taken seriously anyway.
> 
> None of this is accurate to anything in psychology, probably (it's been a long time since I studied any of it). Except maybe the occasional breaches of ethics. Because they will be outrageous.


End file.
